Interview With the Vampire
by IndentityCrisis
Summary: Years after the OD, artemis is interviewed. he has a strange life, with strange people. He also has a dark secret... the title is not to do with Anne rice at all. Oneshot.


**Discaimer: Mine? No. and the title is in NO FLIPPIN' WAY related to Anne Rice's book! Dont report me! I'm not breakin' any rules! I dont think. ok, I have no authors note... just an intervew... gagle...**

**Interview With the Vampire** _**

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Page 19; cover story of Belle Girl magazine. **_

_I, Lana Lovejoy, recently interviewed the notorious Artemis Fowl II. It was a short conversation, and his answers were brief, but since this is such a coveted subject, and we havethe article exclusively, it is an honor to have been the reporter. On the left side of the page is a copy of the book, titled Artemis Fowl. The namesake refuses to be photographed. Here is the interview:_

**B G:** Why are you so pale?

**A F:** I am a human being who is congenitally deficient in pigment. In other words, it is my dermatlogical disposition to be paler than others are. I also do not try to conduct skin cancer by sitting in ultra violet rays for mindless hours, trying to darken my skin tone. Does that answer your question at all?

**B G:** Yes, completely, sir.

**A F:** Good. Will there be anything further?

**B G:** Yes, sir. Why were you so ignorant of all the books published about you and the lower elements?

**A F:** I am choosing not to speak of that matter.

**B G:** Just a hint?

**A F:** I suppose... I have long since stopped reading children's books. As much as it pains me to say, the books published were not under my interest.

**B G:** Until now.

**A F:** It is my life. Of course, now that I have been notified of their existence, I am interested.

**B G:** Merely interested?

**A F:** I am peeved. The author had not requested permission to use my name or life.

**B G:** Are you going to sue him?

**A F:** I would if he hadn't disappeared. But I have other ways of extracting my revenge.

**B G:** How do you think he knew so much about your life?

**A F:** He was a close friend.

**B G:** Is he still?

**A F:** No, obviously not.

**B G:** How long have you two—

**A F:** Could we steer away from this subject, please? I actually preferred speaking about my complexion, rather than of a man who seems to have ceased to exist.

**B G:** I understand completely, sir. So, is there a love interest in your life?

_(He looks at the contract we created, sighs, and cringes at me.)_

**A F:** Yes.

**B G:** Wish to share?

_(Glances at contract again, shudders.)_

**A F:** I… am split between two significant others.

**B G:** Do they have names, sir?

**A F:** They are called Nathaniel Butler and Hazel... Moss.

**B G:** Excuse me, sir, but isn't Nathaniel your bodyguards' cousin?

**A F:** I see you've done your research. Yes, he is a relative of Domovoi Butler.

**B G:** And Hazel? Isn't she that short girl?

_(He tenses up like I have said something alarming.)_

**A F:** Yes she is rather… short. In fact, that was her mothers' maiden name.

**B G:** _Holy_ Short?

_(He nods curtly.)_

**B G:** Interesting. So, sir, who are you going to choose?

**A F:** I am not obliged to answer that question. Do you not wish to know how I stopped the Race War from continuing?

**B G:** Briefly, sir, but we have head a loton the news program.

**A F:** All right, I will not go into depth. I simply… _(At this point even my tape recorder stops listening. Finally, his 'brief' explanation is complete.)_

**B G:** Are you going to change your name and move, to get away from the publicity?

**A F:** Certainly not. My family name is famous through the generations; a little publicity has never hurt us.

**B G:** Yes, I hearthe Fowlswere once accused of being vampires.

_(He smiles slightly, but doesn't answer.)_

**B G:** Who is that young girl you have been spotted with recently?

**A F:** Her name is Athena Fowl, and she is my daughter.

**B G:** _Daughter_?

**A F:** Yes, Hazel is her mother.

**B G:** I assume Nathaniel would be rather jealous.

**A F:** No, he helps raise Thena with us.

**B G:** Will she be a genius, like you?

**A F:** It is hard to tell at such an early age, but I believe the fact that she can already surf the Internet independently is a rather promising quality.

**B G:** How old is she, again?

**A F:** Thena is two years old.

**B G:** Wow. And you are twenty-seven, right, sir?

**A F:** That is correct.

**B G:** Plus the queen has knighted you! Between stately functions and raising a child, where do you find the time to plan anything, illegal or otherwise?

**A F:** I have my opportunities.

**B G:** So, back to this vampire thing, do you drink humans' blood, or can you live off of animals?

**A F:** You don't honestly think I'll answer that, do you?

**B G:** I hear vampires can't come out during the day, you must be a half, then?

**A F:** If you believe all those stupid cliché vampire novels then you must be more stereotypically blond than I thought.

**B G:** Hey!

**A F:** You brought it on yourself.

**B G:** That is no excuse to…

**A F:** If I am not mistaken, you called me a _vampire_!

**B G:** But you are!

**A F:** If you don't stop, I'll suck your blood.

**B G:** So you admit it!

**A F:** How clumsy of me.

**B G:** Whatever. Now, exactly how many university degrees do you have? I found a preposterously high number when I tried to research it.

**A F:** Sixty-seven. Oh, look at the time! I shall be late to pick up my daughter if I stay to answer any more absurd questions!

_(I might add that he smiles like a creepy vampire while he says all this.)_

**B G:** All right, good day, sir!

**A F:** That's one way to put it, I suppose.

_(He walks out without saying goodbye. If that isn't a rude aristocrat, I don't know what is.)_

_And there you have it; the great Artemis Fowl is bisexual, a father and a knight. Unfortunately he is also a vampire, therefore does not show up on film. I assure you, though, if you had seen him, you would have been deeply affected. That is one man who does not wait for anybody._

_**Lana Lovejoy, reporter, wrote this article for Belle Girl magazine.**_

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**No, I did! Oh, well. Review.**

**Warning to Flammers: My mind is a fire extinguisher**

**Warning to Non-Reviewers: I know where you live!**

**Warning to Reviewers: You may be bear-hugged to death.**

**Do you think I should do more? I wasnt going to, but maybe a two-chapter thing could work... you tell me!**


End file.
